Why You Can’t Stand Your Kids

It seems like so many people these days can’t stand their own children. You’ll hear people on either side, some who agree wholeheartedly that spending each day with their own children is an insufferable idea and then others who are appalled that any parent would even say that.

While I’m not in the I-cant-stand-my-kids group, I also don’t stand on the I-can't-believe-you side. I mean, I’ve definitely been around some kids that are pretty overwhelming, and I’ve also had times I want to rip my hair out with my own children. Overall, I love being with my kids and they all are some of my favorite people on this earth, but I can understand that some parents might not feel that way. Now, I don't think it has to stay that way though, so the real question is why are your kids so annoying? Is it them or you? Ultimately, it calls for some genuine reflection.

Things to consider...

1.         What's your family dynamic? If you are a public school family, and you can’t fathom the crazy homeschool moms because you wouldn’t want to be around your kids that much, consider the idea that maybe your kids are the way they are because they are in public school. Kids in public school spend the majority of their waking life in school. They’re basically raised by the children around them and the culture that’s been created. Parents have much less influence in a child’s life compared to the homeschooling route and that seriously impacts the relationship. The more your kids are with you, the more they are like you; their interests, humor, attitudes, mannerisms. It only adds to the parent-child divide if kids come home just to plug in to their screens. At this point, often times what gets left for parents to offer their children is only correction, rather than relationship. While correction is important, it isn't very effective without some sort of intentional quality time. How and when can you set aside regular quality time with your kids? It doesn't have to be anything spectacular, it doesn't even need to be long periods of time. It just needs to be regular and to be spent showing that you care and you like your kid. Even if you have to fake it at first-seriously, kids knowing that their parents like them is deeply impactful. And it's not about the things they do, nor their accomplishments, but liking them. Find a healthy common ground and build from there.

Without a good relationship, the child doesn’t have the connection with the parent necessary to develop authentic respect. It may be hard to believe, but you’ll probably find that your kids are actually pretty great kids the more time you spend with them! (As long as you are the role model you want them to be... which leads me to point 2)

2.         Maybe the way they act and things they do that bother you were actually learned from you. They’re acting like you, and you don’t like it. The Lord has called this out in my own parenting many times. Times where I was appalled by my child’s disrespect until I realized I was the one being disrespectful first. They just wanted to be like me. (Yeah, needless to say, parenting is a great tool for being humbled.) Analyze how you talk to your kids. They need to be shown in action how to be respectful. We can tell them all day how to act and speak, but if we don’t do it, they won’t either. We won’t be perfect of course, so when we do fail to be kind, it’s worth admitting it to our kids. That way they can know that we know we weren't being a good example, and our bad attitudes aren't excused just because of our age. They won't be perfect either (now or later), so they need to be shown how to act when they do mess up. There’s no chance that our kids will be respectful if we aren’t respectable. 

3. Now, maybe it's not you directly, but rather the influences you are allowing in their life. Certain friends, shows, games, music, etc. Honestly observe your kids, pinpoint what it is exactly that bothers you and figure out the root. There are so many movies out there that have a storyline meant to teach good morals, but that's not necessarily how it works for every kid. You might be hearing your kid talk a certain way or say certain things, and wonder where they ever learned it. We've been there, only to realize it was coming from the antagonists of the "good, clean" movies. Kids want to imitate what they see and hear, it's how they learn. But not every kid has the understanding to decipher what should and shouldn't be repeated.

Then, we have the issue of society straight up praising what is wrong. Murder, drugs, alcohol, profanity, disrespect, laziness and every kind of immorality you can think of. If the movies, music, games, social media, or whatever-it-is content our children are consuming is blantantly glorifying bad things, then we can absolutely expect our children to tolerate and even live out those things. We can't expect our kids to be more mature than they are and we certainly can't force them to grow in maturity, but we can give them the tools they need to grow and guard them from poor influences. Each child is different, so it's important for us as parents to truly evaluate the maturity of our children and be aware of (and in control of) what their minds are consuming.

4.         High energy kids: fueling the fire vs giving an outlet. I have one of these kids. This child wakes before dawn and buzzes through the day while maintaining the same energy level the whole day through. It’s unbelievable really. If you have one of these and you try to “tame” them with any type of screen, oh boy, you’re only fueling the fire! Screen time ends up being much more than a recharge for them, it’s a recharge AND a system breakdown all at once. What the child really needs is one of two things:

1. Valuable work. They were blessed with energy to be envied, and it needs to be put to good use. First off, I’d beware of putting them off to work by themselves before they’re actually ready. What can they do to help alongside you?

Or 2. Learning something new. A skill, a concept, an instrument. Something they enjoy that’s also actually putting their brain to work and channeling that energy into something productive. Avoid anything that give a false sense of accomplishment or mind-numbing things.

With doing either of these, not only will they go to bed at night actually ready to fall asleep, but they also get to go to bed with a sense of accomplishment, which is invaluable.

5. Okay, so, maybe you’re a homeschooling mom who is just having some homeschool burnout. Maybe you need to spend a little time around other kids their age and you’ll see that your kids are actually your favorite of all. Or maybe just some time away in order to have the opportunity to miss them. And if not that, then time alone; in the Word, in nature, or some hobby that you love where you can take some time to lay down the needs of your family for a moment and have a quiet mind. Lay it at the feet of Jesus. Once again, it doesn't need to be some sort of extended spectacular getaway, but it will need to be intentional. Search out that time in your schedule, plan it, and prioritize it (and also don't be disheartened at the times that plan falls through.) Don't throw that towel in!

Maybe it really is your kids' behavior, or maybe they're totally normal and it's simply your own heart. Whatever it is, no problem is solved without some sort of effort. Observe, reflect, and pray. Childrearing was never meant to be easy, but for those who are willing to put in the care and effort, it will be rewarding.