Marriage and Peppermint

In our first week of marriage, my husband and I moved into a newly built house with no finishing landscaping done. Surrounding the house was a barren garden bed, with nothing but a big blanket of pine straw. We had a lot of work ahead of us. I spent my early mornings sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee and a gardening book, conjuring up ideas and dreams of our future front garden. Once we finally started breaking ground in those empty garden beds, we worked at filling it in bit by bit for the first couple of years.

At the time, I really didn’t know all that much about gardening. I had watched my grandmother and my mother tend to their plants but it wasn’t something that really interested me in my youth so I didn’t know much about it all. What I did know was that through my childhood, my grandmother had a peppermint plant in her front garden along the side of her house. Together, we would gather the leaves and make peppermint tea, which was a fun little switch-up from the typical sweet tea we always drank.

All that to say, once I had my own home, I wanted to have some peppermint growing in my garden, too. The problem, unbeknownst to me, was that I didn’t know enough about it. My mother had tried to grow it and it hadn’t thrived. So, I took a little piece from her garden and planted it in my front garden to the side of my porch steps.

Planting just a little piece of something I didn’t understand ended up bringing me so much headache—and back ache—in the long run. Today, that peppermint is fighting to overtake my garden. It is a constant battle to not let this plant take over the plants that I do want in my garden.

I thought it’d be fun to have just a little bit of mint in my garden, but wow, what a regret it is now! But I will say, it’s been a humbling learning point. Every time I’m out in the garden ripping up those roots out of the ground, I can’t help but think about how much this peppermint is like sin in marriage.

The Peppermint Parallels:

1.     Just one plant, planted one time will fight to take over everything. Left untouched and unhindered in its growth, this peppermint would no doubt choke out every plant I want to have in my garden. It’s unbelievable sometimes, to think of how just one little—and I mean little!—plant can reproduce and spread so rapidly.  How similar it is with sin! It makes for good reflection though. Are we planting and tiny weeds of discord in our marriages? Examples: Putting our spouse down when we speak to them, or about them. Having any level of relationship with someone of the opposite sex who is not our spouse. Lightly flirting with someone who is not our spouse. Dismissing our spouses concerns or feelings. There are more kinds of weeds than can imagine, it takes setting ourselves in a place of humility to listen to what the Holy Spirit is speaking to us. Too often we hear his voice, but would rather not listen. The voice of the flesh is loud and enticing.

2.     We have no idea the depth of damage that we’re doing. I could not foresee the future of this peppermint plant when I planted it. I had heard of things being invasive, and honestly if someone had told me that ahead of time, I still don’t think I could have believed the level of damage this plant was going to do. Thankfully, we have a loving Father in heaven who does know the damage and pain that sin leads to. Our minds cannot fathom the extent of the damage and hurt that our actions can cause, but God knows, and in His kindness, He has given us a guide book full of wisdom and truth that we might make choices that lead to life and joy. So, we can trust His word because He is good and cares deeply for us, and we can know that the small, temporary pleasures this world has to offer us is nothing in comparison to the joy of walking with Him in his way!

3.     The areas of the garden that the weed effects poorly change over time. I planted the peppermint to the right of my porch stairs. Today, that is actually the least effected area. As we work in one area, in gets better there, but while we aren’t looking, it’s creeping into another part of our garden. This one really struck me. How often do we find ourselves working on healing in a certain area, we start feeling good about it, and boom, we find we’re crumbling apart in another area of our relationship. Keep pressing onward, the war isn’t over. Rejoice in a battle won, continue onward with the next, and keep your eyes open over every battlefield new and old. Be on guard, it’s easier to catch and address and issue sooner rather than later.

4.     Consistent weed pulling is essential to healing. Weeding a lot and then quitting allows it to get bad. Staying on guard with consistent maintenance and diligence is vital. There is no “one-and-done” way to fix the damage that’s been done. Patience and perseverance are essential.

5.     It takes two to heal. I may have been the one who planted this horrible thing in our garden, but I wouldn’t be able to keep it at bay without my husband’s help. He very easily could say he didn’t want to help me with uprooting this junk that he didn’t plant but he knows that I can’t keep up with it on my own and the garden would be ruined without his help. If he didn’t help, it would honestly be more work for him to have to dig up all the good plants along with the peppermint and start over planting new ones, so he knows he doesn’t want the garden ruined either. There’s just no avoiding it, it’s got to be dealt with in one way or another. When it comes to marriage, the roles in healing look different. There has to be a persistent choice of forgiveness for one and a persistent choice for restoration and rebuilding trust for another.

6.     Taking care of the good plants matters just as much as ridding the weeds. If I were to only focus on getting the peppermint out of my garden, well, then I wouldn’t really have a garden. Care and maintenance for the plants I do want is essential to having a beautiful garden. Likewise, if we only focus on ridding the bad in our marriage, without focusing on building up and maintaining the good, we will end up not having much of a relationship with our spouse. Make effort to kindle the friendship and kindle the romance. Focus on what you do like about your spouse. Fertilize and water your relationship with gracious thoughts and words. Replace the weeds with good things.

Maybe you think it’s no big deal. You’re going to lie to your spouse, betray them, be unfaithful. Just once. But all it takes is just once, and the fight for healing and restoration begins.

It never had to be this hard. I already had other weeds to pull here and there, but I just made the job of keeping this garden healthy so tremendously more difficult with one stupid choice.

 But praise the Lord, it isn’t a hopeless situation. No doubt, there will be work to be done, but our gardens can go on to grow wonderful, blooming roses, azaleas, and more, and still be a place of beauty amidst the peppermints fight for destruction. More importantly, our marriages can go on to be healthy and produce the beautiful fruits of righteousness, as well.